


Close to Closure

by ProdigalEzplorer (Asguardian)



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Cheating, M/M, Non-Binary Sylvain Jose Gautier, Other, Trans Sylvain Jose Gautier, one homophobic slur, referenced abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:14:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27091075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asguardian/pseuds/ProdigalEzplorer
Summary: Ten years ago, Sylvain cheated on Felix.
Relationships: (IMPLIED), Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Sylvain Jose Gautier/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24





	Close to Closure

**Author's Note:**

> *shrug emoji* I don’t know, have this.
> 
> Additional warnings:  
> They ARE underage, but it is consensual between the two characters.  
> Sylvain cheats. If that might be upsetting, take care of yourself! The act isn’t mega descriptive, but it definitely has a big impact on Felix.  
> There’s some references to child abuse for Sylvain  
> And one homophobic slur (starts with a f)  
> If you want explicit Felix/Ashe, it isn’t this fic :( I’m sorry
> 
> I am my own beta reader, so forgive any mistakes

Dimitri had set this up. That bastard had set this up and he could kill him.

Felix rounded the corner and there was Sylvain. There was Sylvain with a handsome man right beside him, draped on his arm. Sylvain looked up, expression flashing from surprise to delight in seconds flat. Felix turned on his heel and was half-way to being out of the house, faster than he had ever moved before.

“Felix! Wait!”

Hearing Sylvain’s voice, he doubled his pace, passing his car even though he had driven to Dimitri’s home. He had no idea where he was going, but he was going there fast. And yet somehow, Sylvain still caught his arm.

“Seriously-“ Sylvain gasped. “What the hell, Felix?”

“No, Sylvain, what the hell? Why are you here?”

Sylvain scoffed, “Uhm, I live in Fhirdiad now?”

“Since fucking when?”

“Since Claude got a job here and we moved from Derdriu?”

He was still close enough for Felix to do so, so he shoved Sylvain’s shoulders. “It’s been ten years, you goddess damned asshole. Ten years!”

“I mean, you knew I was going to Derdriu for college, it wasn’t that-“

Felix shocked himself by punching Sylvain. It really wasn’t planned.

“Hey, what the fuck?” Came another voice, the handsome stranger (Claude?) was running up to them, fury in his eyes.

Felix bolted and this time, no one followed.

—

Felix’s house is empty. Rodrigue is still at work, Glenn is at soccer practice. So it’s just him.

Just him and Sylvain.

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Sylvain asks, not looking away from the screen as he continues to smash the controller buttons.

“No?” Felix shoots back, smashing buttons with equal fervor.

“You should try it.”

“With who? You?”

“Yeah.”

Felix KO’s Sylvain’s character and then promptly punches Sylvain in the shoulder.

“As if I would fucking kiss you.”

—

Dimitri has texted him fifteen times.

  1. I didn’t know Claude’s partner was Sylvain. I swear I would not have sprung this on you. I know that the two of you have had a troubled history. Please let me know you are okay when you receive this.
  2. I’m sincerely sorry, Felix. Please respond to this when you get home so that I know you are safe.
  3. I understand that you are upset. It was unfortunate that the circumstances were what they were. I had met Claude a few months back and thought it would be fun to have him at our usual monthly get together. He had asked if his partner could come too and I said yes without thinking. I had no idea he would be bringing Sylvain. I was surprised as well. SYLVAIN was surprised when I opened the door. This was not planned by any means.
  4. I should have texted you that Sylvainwas at my home. I’m deeply sorry that I’ve caused you distress. Please just let me know you are okay.
  5. Please just let me know you are okay.
  6. I’m sorry.
  7. Felix, what happened between you and Sylvain? You two were always so close. I remembered that day you two came back from the forest, little flower-crowns on your heads.
  8. What happened?
  9. Do you remember in high school when Sylvain broke his nose when playing soccer? He said that even now it sometimes will hurt in the winter. He was saying that he was dreading coming back to Fhirdiad because of how cold it gets here.
  10. He seemed to be in good spirits. He looked happy to see you until you ran away.
  11. You could at least talk to him.
  12. After all, you’ve known him since you were literally 3. Surely whatever went wrong could be fixed.
  13. Could you please just let me know you’re okay?
  14. I’m really worried, Felix. Please, just text me that you’ve made it home.
  15. I’m sorry.



Felix turned off his phone without responding.

—

“Holy shit, what did you do?”

“I broke my nose,” Sylvain replies, nasally, still managing a grin.

“How?”

“Soccer practice.”

“Soccer practice with what, your face?”

He laughs before he remembers his injury, flinching in pain.

“Yeah, actually. I was doing “keep ‘em up’s,” ya know? Well, I got too enthusiastic and head-butted the ball. Except I used my nose instead of my head.”

“Idiot.”

“Your idiot.”

And for a moment, Felix could believe it was true.

—

Unfortunately, he needed his damn phone, so he had to turn it on the next morning. No more texts had come through from Dimitri.

Thank the Goddess.

He took a shower, got dressed, and headed to work.

Unfortunately he worked with another of Dimitri’s monthly get together crew, Dedue. Felix was also pretty sure they were an item, but Dimitri had remained tight-lipped.

And no one would ever be able to get any information out of Dedue.

They shared an elevator up to their floor, and Dedue gave him a short nod.

“You should at least text Dimitri to let him know that you are okay.”

“ _ You _ text him I’m okay,” Felix groused back, exiting the elevator first and not looking back.

—

“Listen, I’m going to join a band.”

“You can’t play any instruments.”

Sylvain pouts. “I’m going to learn.”

“So you can impress that girl?”

“Yes, to impress Sarah, but also to get mad pussy when I’m famous.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “Disgusting.”

“Just admit you’re jealous!”

“Of your STIs?”

Sylvain thrusts a few times. It looks especially stupid because he is sitting down.

“Of my dick game!”

Felix tackles him and they rough-house until Felix’s elbow collides with Sylvain’s nose. He cries out in agony, gripping at his face and rolling away.

“Shit, that fucking hurt.”

“I’m sorry, shit did I break it again?”

“No…” Sylvain mumbles, pinching the bridge to feel for any damage, blood trickles down onto his lips.

He licks it off.

Felix never takes his eyes off of Sylvain’s tongue.

—

Dimitri hasn’t texted him again. But Annette has.

  1. Hey Felix. Heard from Dimitri what happened. I’m really sorry.
  2. I know you’ve told me a hundred times not to talk about it, but honestly, you’ve got to move on.
  3. This is a great chance to do just that.
  4. You can finally talk to him.
  5. (Several thumbs up emojis)
  6. Just tell him that you’re still hurting. That you need closure.
  7. Felix, we’ve known each other since Middle School. I remember when you realized you were gay. I remember when you first panicked over having feelings for Sylvain. 
  8. I can remember the first and only time I’ve ever seen you cry over a boy.
  9. (Several crying emojis)
  10. You’ve got to talk to him.
  11. Just to close the chapter, you know?
  12. Get. That. Closure!
  13. (Several muscle emojis)
  14. Look, I’m probably overstepping, but I love you Felix! You’re my best friend! I think the world of you!
  15. (Several heart emojis)
  16. But listen, you just say the word and I’ll slash his tires.
  17. Hell, I’ll find a whole box of cockroaches and unleash them in his car.
  18. You know how sensitive he always was about keeping everything clean?
  19. Imagine whatever stupid car he’s driving now.
  20. Full of cockroaches.
  21. (Several bug emojis… There must not be a cockroach emoji)
  22. He would scream
  23. (Several scream emojis)



—

Sylvain is screaming. Screaming bloody murder and throwing everything he can get his hands on from the safety of his bed.

“What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck-“ On and on, as he pitches shoes, books, a soccer ball, anything he can grab, all at the critter scurrying across his wall.

Felix storms up to the wall, lifts his leg up and stomps the cockroach. And then he stomps again and again until all the “crunch” sounds are gone and all that is left is the squishing sound of the cockroach’s guts. Then he puts his shoe on the ground, splattered bug left on the wall and the bottom of his shoe.

Sylvain is turning an odd shade of red.

“Did you seriously… just kill… the cockroach on my wall… and then fucking… put your bug-guts-covered shoe… onto my  _ carpet _ ?!”

“You were the one screaming like a baby about a bug.”

“A bug that I was trying to scare away! I didn’t want it ground into my floor!”

Felix twists his heel to further smear whatever is on his boot into the carpet.

“Stop it!” Sylvain shouts, lunging to grab Felix’s arm. They fall to the floor, Sylvain grabbing Felix’s ponytail and pulling. Felix knees Sylvain in the crotch and now Sylvain fights dirty. He grabs Felix’s arm, jerks it behind Felix’s back and bodily pins him to the floor.

All of Sylvain’s body is pressing against him and it’s a good thing his face is being pressed into the floor, because he can feel the blush on his cheeks.

“You realize that the maid service that comes to clean our house will have to clean that up, right?”

Felix tries to reply, but it gets garbled in the carpet.

Sylvain shifts minutely to allow Felix to turn his head.

“You could always clean it up yourself.”

Sylvain growls and shoves Felix loose. “Bastard.”

“Jackass.”

“Whore.”

“Virgin.”

“Whatever,” Felix huffs, standing up and dusting himself off. “Enjoy your dead bug,” He adds as he turns to head out the door.

Sylvain sits there stunned for a second before calling out, “Felix! Wait!”

—

Luck has always hated him. Maybe his name means “lucky” but he has never been lucky once in his life.

He ran into Claude. Ran into. Like head on collision.

“Hey, where’s the fire- You.” Claude started out sounding so friendly, but the tone has already shifted. His arms are crossed and he looks frankly pissed. But he hasn’t moved to attack him but something tells him he won’t just leave either.

Felix tried to just bully past.

Claude snatched his arm in a similar move to what Sylvain had pulled.

“Let me fucking go.”

“Haha, no.” Claude intoned flatly. “You punched my partner and then ghosted all your friends. You aren’t getting away that easy.”

“You want a repeat performance?” Felix hissed, trying to slap his arm away. Claude must have had a better grip that Sylvain did because it doesn’t work.

“Felix, right? Sylvain talks about you all the time. You two grew up around here, right?”

“Fuck you.”

“Wow, why the animosity? I didn’t do anything to you. We haven’t even been introduced.”

“You’re dating that cheating asshole, so I think I know all I need to about you.”

“Seriously? You’re still hung up on that? It’s been ten years, Felix.”

This time, Felix broke the hold and he was once more racing down the trail. So much for his morning jog.

—

They are kissing. They were rough-housing, laughing and struggling over the last chip in the bag and now they are kissing.

Sylvain is stroking his hair, Sylvain is nipping his lips,  _ Sylvain’s tongue is touching the back row of his teeth _ .

Felix is a gasping mess until he shoves back on Sylvain’s shoulders to get him to stop.

“What the fuck?” He gasps, watching as Sylvain adverts his eyes.

“Aw shit, listen Felix, just forget that happened-“

“No, just. Stop.” Felix holds a hand up between them to keep him back. “No, what the fuck as in “ _ what does this mean _ ?” I’m not going to be one of your games.”

“I think I love you, Felix.”

All of the air escapes Felix’s lungs. 

“You’re straight.” He whispers.

“I think I’m bi.”

“You  _ think _ ?”

“Felix, I don’t know! I just wanted to kiss you! I don’t know what it means!”

“Get off. Get off of me.”

Sylvain complies immediately, rolling off and keeping his eyes diverted.

“I won’t be made a fool of. You don’t get to use me to “ _ figure it out _ .”

“I’m sorry.” He mumbles, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his head. “Seriously, please, just forget this. I won’t do something like this again.”

—

Mercedes texted him. Mercedes.

  1. Hello Felix, this is Mercedes. Annette, Dimitri, and even Dedue are worried about you. I have spoken with them about the circumstances and I think it is important for you to talk with your friends. It may even be worth it for you to talk to Sylvain. It is clear you are still needing closure.
  2. Regardless of what you choose to do, please don’t shut us out. We care for you deeply, Felix. We will support you no matter what you choose to do.
  3. Much love, Mercedes.



The phone was shut off this time and left on the bedside table as Felix pretended to go to sleep under a mountain of blankets.

—

Sylvain must not be  _ that _ in love with him. He’s leaning over some giggling Sophomore and pushing some of her hair back behind her ear. 

He’s smiling and he’s beautiful and Felix is so smitten he could scream.

Sylvain leans in to whisper something into her ear and she turns a pretty shade of red, slapping Sylvain’s shoulder playfully.

They walk off hand in hand. Sylvain never sees him at all.

—

Someone knocked at his door.

Felix opened it to Dimitri of all people.

“Please, Felix, it’s been three weeks-“

Felix tried to slam it in his face, but Dimitri had always been freakishly strong so he caught the door, pushing it open.

“You know I hate to just intrude, but you have to talk to us-“

“I don’t  _ have _ to do anything!” Felix shouted, rounding on Dimitri who was standing awkwardly in his doorway. “If you all want so badly to help me, keep  _ Sylvain _ out of my life.”

The giant man slouched, making him look smaller despite his stature and eyepatch. 

“Felix, what happened?”

—

Felix kisses him this time. He can’t help it. They’ve kissed a few times and every time it’s like an bolt running through his veins, his brain.

Felix should stop this, Felix should stop this…

“We should stop.”

It is Sylvain who says it, which blindsides Felix despite himself.

“Why?” He asks, and he’s not sure why he’s asking.

“Because, you were right the first time. I shouldn’t use you to figure myself out. I should do that on my own.”

“Okay, but you’ve been kissing me all Summer and you aren’t seeing anyone else. I assumed we were…”

The air hangs heavy with the assumption. Felix swallows hard.

“Dating?” Sylvain fills in, looking deeply into Felix’s eyes.

Another long silence passes.

“Do you want to be… dating?” Sylvain asks, a strange spark of hope behind his eyes.

“Yeah… I do.”

“Felix, will you go out with me?”

It is the last day of summer before Sylvain’s senior year, his junior year.

A little dizzy, Felix answers, “Yeah.”

—

Dimitri went into the kitchen and made himself tea. He would have made Felix a cup too, if Felix had allowed him to.

“I didn’t know you two were dating in high school. Sylvain always seemed…”

“Like a slut?”

“Ah, a bit crude, but I suppose not far off from the truth.”

“Well, he didn’t change for me.”

—

Felix is gasping and panting and holy shit, how can Sylvain do that with his tongue?!

Somewhere along the way, they’ve lost their clothes, and Sylvain is sucking his soul out through his dick.

They’ve fooled around, dry-humping, jerking each other off, but this is newer territory. This is the first time Sylvain goes as far as to put his mouth on Felix’s cock.

Felix hasn’t even done that for Sylvain yet.

“Sylvain, I’m gonna- Sylvain!” Felix is trying desperately to get this red-headed  _ idiot _ to pay attention but Sylvain staunchly refuses. A quiver of his hips and Sylvain finally pulls back enough…

To get his face splattered in sticky white fluid.

Sylvain’s eyes are wide, doe-eyed in surprise. He curiously runs a finger through the mess on his cheek and brings it to his lips. Sylvain sucks the finger into his mouth and swirls his tongue over and around the digit. Felix groans at the sight. There cannot be anything more erotic than this moment.

“Let me do something for you,” Felix whispers, seeing Sylvain’s erection bob between his legs.

“No,” He chokes out a little. “I’m fine. I’m just gonna jerk it and then I’ve got to go.”

“Go where?”

“Soccer practice.” Sylvain replies, hand already dropping to grasp his length. He crawls to kneel over Felix, not looking him in the eye. His gaze is squarely stuck at his chest, eyes somewhat unfocused.

Felix glares but he doesn’t stop him. It takes Sylvain less than five minutes before spunk is all over Felix’s stomach.

—

Dimitri stirred his tea, blowing on it before taking a sip.

He’s introspective, polite enough not to outright ask.

Felix has no intention of telling him.

—

Sylvain is behind him, whispering a thousand words of comfort, a thousand words of love. His finger is inside Felix, gentling him open, stretching him. They had tried fingering each other before, so much blushing and awkward laughter.

Every time Sylvain’s skills improve, he gets better and better at finding that sweet spot until he can practically hit it without even trying. 

A second finger joins the first, gentle scissoring.

“You’re so beautiful, Felix. I love seeing you like this.  _ Hearing _ you like this. Knowing that it’s me that’s causing you to feel this good. I love it, Felix. I love you-“

He babbles on and on, pouring more lube after a few moments and sliding his fingers out.

“Are you ready?” And finally there is a lull in Sylvain’s incessant chatter, waiting for Felix to give his permission.

“Do it already.”

Sylvain huffs a laugh and then gets into position. Felix can’t see him. But he can feel him.

Sylvain enters him slow, smooth, tentatively breaching his entrance, extra careful not to cause any discomfort.

It’s his first time doing this, too.

Felix tenses, but Sylvain smooths his hand down his spine, leans over to drop kisses at the base of his neck.

“Do you need me to pull out?”

“No,” Felix grits out. He had read about this (not that he had told Sylvain that he had read about it) but the goal was to relax. So he takes in a shuddering breath and does what he does best; takes control.

“Just stop for a second.”

Sylvain completely freezes and Felix can feel him slide back the smallest millimeter. 

“Just, let me adjust.” 

Sylvain blows out the breath he didn’t know he was holding and stays perfectly still. A moment passes, then another.

“Okay, I think you can move. Just!” He gasps when Sylvain shifts a little. “Go slow.”

“Okay, Felix,” Sylvain whispers so reverently, grasping Felix’s hips and pulling slowly back. He presses back at an equal pace, setting a slow tempo. “You’re beautiful, Felix. I mean it. Feeling you like this, holy shit, I can’t. It feels so amazing. You’re so tight, I love it, Felix, I love you.”

“Faster,” Felix sighs into the pillow and then grows more bold, “Faster.” He repeats, turning his head to make sure Sylvain heard him.

Sylvain is a vision, flushed red on his freckled shoulders, lips parted for breath. Brown eyes crinkle in a soft, tender fashion, and he nods. “Okay, Felix.”

And then he gives Felix what he asked for.

They’re both panting, Sylvain’s fingers digging into skin to keep hold, Felix scrabbling at the sheets for purchase. It feels good. It feels damn good, sparks behind his eyes, nerves alight in pleasure. Sylvain reaches around and pumps Felix’s cock as best as he can, but it’s clear he’s never practiced this before.

It’s sloppy and for some reason that makes it all the better. This is a moment both of them are sharing for the first time and Felix feels giddy.

At the last possible second, Sylvain pulls out and comes all over his ass, all over his back. Felix’s cock is left aching for relief for a minute before Sylvain remembers himself. Then Felix is being flipped onto his back and Sylvain’s mouth is on his dick.

This time Sylvain stays down as Felix comes, but doesn’t swallow. Instead, he takes his two fingers up to his mouth, opens his lips and let’s the spunk dribble between his fingers.

Felix knows he’s as red as tomato, but Sylvain is grinning wildly.

—

“So, I’m assuming you two broke up.”

“No, shit.” Felix huffed, stomping around his own home. He wished he had somewhere to go to escape this conversation. He made it into his bedroom, deciding to fold the towels he’d left in the hamper.

One folded.

Two folded.

Three-

“Did he cheat on you?”

Felix threw the third towel on the ground, screaming in frustration.

—

The popular girls are in the middle of the goddess damned hall, giggling and talking away.

It’s the last day of the school year, so at least the majority of these girls will be graduating and he will never have to see them again.

Unfortunately, another group will simply rise into their place, but what can you do.

“You know, the cute one on the soccer team!”

“Which one, the redhead?”

“Sylvain,” replies another, and Felix slows down as he passes.

“I caught him  _ with _ Rebecca.”

“Rebecca? Where?”

“Behind the-“

But Felix is already running.

—

Dimitri picked up the towel, offering it back to Felix.

“I’m sorry, Felix. I didn’t know.”

“No one knew and that was the entire point. He didn’t  _ want _ to be out. He wasn’t  _ sure _ he was gay. He wasn’t sure he-“ Felix grabbed the damn towel from Dimitri and threw it back into the basket.

—

“Deny it!” Felix screams, slamming Sylvain into the wall by the soccer team’s locker room. “ _ Deny it _ !”

“Felix-“

Felix slams him against the wall again. “ _ Deny it _ !” And now he’s crying.

“Felix-“

“ _ Why _ ?!”

“Felix, I’m sorry, I-“

Felix punches him and hears the crack of Sylvain’s nose under his fist. It’s satisfying in a way he cannot describe. Sylvain’s head hits the brick wall and he goes down.

Sylvain touches his nose, hissing at all the blood gushing from it.

Felix does not watch as Sylvain’s tongue flicks out to taste it. Felix is running away.

—

Ten years hasn’t quite dulled the edge of this pain.

He loved Sylvain. Sylvain was his first crush. His first kiss. His  _ first _ … everything. And he had loved Sylvain beyond measure. 

Dimitri hadn’t looked away from him, letting him have some space after huffing out his confession.

“What he did was wrong, Felix.” Dimitri whispered. “You didn’t deserve that.”

And beyond embarrassed, Felix starts to cry.

—

Sylvain vanishes.

Felix types and deletes a hundred of messages to Sylvain on his cell phone, not sending a single one. It isn’t Felix who discovers Sylvain has vanished.

No, it’s Ingrid.

They’re meeting at Dimitri’s house as they do on their monthly get together, when Ingrid shows up, a solid hour late.

She was never the type to be tardy.

“Guys, I went to go pick up Sylvain and Miklan answered the door.”

Everyone pauses at the information; even Felix tenses. She always picks up Sylvain to bring him to these because they live so close to each other.

“And you know how much I hate that dick, so I’m like, “where’s Sylvain?” And he replies, “ _ Sylvain left _ .” Somehow I resist the urge to deck him and ask, “Okay, where did he go?” And Miklan just fucking grins and asks, “ _ He didn’t tell you _ ?” So, I’m like, “No, you asshole.” And Miklan fucking laughs! And then he’s like, “ _ Sylvain left for Derdriu, like a week ago _ .”

Felix hears nothing for a moment, time freezes and he holds his breath.

“So, I shove past him, run upstairs to his room, and what the fuck, half of his wardrobe is gone, all of those stupid pics he had on that tac board, even that weird box that he gets pissy over if you touch it. Gone.”

“Miklan follows me up the stairs and just leans agains the door, all smiling like the smug asshole he is. “ _ Packed up and left. Hardly said anything. Dad told him he wasn’t paying for an international plan, so he even left his phone _ .” Ingrid mocks Miklan’s voice, clearly growing angrier.

“What are we supposed to do?” Dimitri asks, quite distressed.

“I’ve messaged him like, thirty times on Facebook but he hasn’t replied.”

“Felix, do you know another way to contact him?”

Felix is too stunned to verbally reply. He shakes his head and barely listens to the other two discussing how they can find out more about Sylvain’s whereabouts.

—

Dimitri listened to the whole story, non-judgmental as he finally makes tea for Felix.

“You should talk to him, Felix,” He said, passing the fragrant Almyran pine needles tea to Felix. “You didn’t deserve that and at the very least, you deserve an explanation, don’t you think?”

After he’s sipped at his tea, Felix nodded. “Yeah, I think I do.”

—

Felix breaks and creates a Facebook for the first time in his life.

He doesn’t friend Sylvain, but he doesn’t need to; Sylvain’s profile is public.

The first picture is him in Derdriu, somewhere on his new college campus, a girl under each arm. Everyone is smiling.

Felix logs out.

—

Two days after Dimitri left him to his thoughts, Ingrid texts him.

  1. Hey fucko
  2. Me and Thea are going to the bar for some drinks.
  3. A couple of her friends are coming too
  4. Hubie, Ferdie, Edie, Bernie, and Caspar (the friendly ghost)
  5. Oh, and Ashe
  6. You remember Ashe from high school right?
  7. Anyway first round is on me



For some reason, Felix agreed to go.

—

Felix goes to college in Fhirdiad with Dimitri and Ingrid. He studies business, but takes fencing, boxing, and tons of other “physical education” studies on the side. He takes classes on weaponry through the ages, various studies on fighting techniques across cultures, and even a class on knighthood and chivalry (though he cannot say he enjoyed the class).

He has enough credits to double major at the end of it all: business and physical education.

He dates some. But his trust is so fractured that all of the relationships are short and tumultuous.

Over time, Felix stops trying to date. The resentment burrows deep in his heart and makes itself at home.

—

He went to the bar.

Dorothea and all her friends were loud. Felix ended up in a corner with Hubert, Ferdinand beside Hubert all but shouting as everyone conversed.

Bernadetta was across from him, gaze solidly locked on the floor, a shy blush every time Caspar said something in her direction.

And Ashe, who contributed to the conversation a few times, but mostly looks over at Felix every now and then with a little smile.

Everyone drifted around to the bar and suddenly Ashe was sitting across from him. “Bernie” had floated off somewhere, probably to escape the entire place.

“Hey, Felix! It’s been a long time! What have you been up to?” The bubbly boy questioned; how did he have this much enthusiasm for regular conversation?

“Not much,” Felix answered, stirring his drink aimlessly with his straw.

“I heard that you’ll be taking over the family business soon! Congratulations!”

Felix doesn’t want the promotion, but he isn’t sure what else should be said.

“Thanks.”

Ashe managed to hold the conversation almost entirely on his own, Felix answering questions with one or two words as needed.

“Oh, didn’t you take a whole bunch of classes on weaponry and stuff?”

“I did.”

“Did you know I’m totally obsessed with knights? I’ve been researching all kinds of weapons and their code of honor!”

“I actually took a class called “Knighthood and Chivalry” in college.”

“You did?” Ashe lit up with excitement. “Oh, my gosh! Tell me all about it.”

So Felix did. Strangely, Ashe was… engaging… entertaining at times, even.

By the end of the night, he has Ashe’s phone number saved into his phone.

—

Dimitri texted him.

  1. We are going to have a get together at my place.
  2. Sylvain will be present, but there will be plenty of space if you don’t want anything to do with him.
  3. But there will also be an opportunity to talk with him if you so wish, in private.
  4. He has expressed interest in talking to you, but I would not want you to feel pressured.
  5. I’ll understand if you do not want to come.



Felix texts back.

  1. I will be there.



—

Before Felix goes to the get together, he logs back into Facebook.

He goes to Sylvain’s profile and scrolls back to that first picture of Sylvain on the quad. The caption says, “Excited to be on the cheer team! Go Deers go!”

There are several pictures to follow; Sylvain with girls as he sticks his tongue out between his fingers. A cute brunette kissing his cheek as he grins at the camera. A frat party where Sylvain is passed out on the floor.

For a while, all of the pictures are of Sylvain hanging out with people, enjoying college life, partying it up. For a year and a half, all of the photos are Sylvain with girls, high, drunk, or all of the above. Felix scrolls ferociously away from them.

And then there’s a gap. A solid six months, there are no photos at all. Felix only knows this because of the dates from one photo to the next.

Then there is a picture of Sylvain with Claude, a purple haired boy (“Lorenz”) and a redhead day girl (“Leonie”). The four are cheering wildly, Claude and Sylvain jumping into the air together, hands linked. Sylvain looks happy in a way Felix doesn’t think he has ever seen before.

“We won!” Says the caption.

The next few photos show the three of them working on some project, before the last photo shows each member of the team holding a huge fake check.

“I’m finally free,” the caption says, and Felix doesn’t know what that means.

—

Sylvain is at the get together.

Claude is at the get together.

Felix is swallowing his anxiety as he is welcomed into the home by Dimitri.

“Drink,” Ingrid shoves a drink into his hands. “It’s not got that much alcohol in it, but it will dull your nerves a little, ya know?”

He complies, maybe downing it a little too fast. Thea is behind Ingrid holding a plate of deli meats. Ingrid grabs the empty cup from Felix, trades it with Thea’s plate of meats, and passes that to Felix next.

“Eat. And then don’t drink anything but water until after you’ve done… whatever it is you’re going to do, okay?”

Felix picks at the food on the plate as he walks around the living room.

Sylvain is chatting amicably with Ferdinand, even managing to draw out some words from the stoic Hubert.

He loses nerve and ends up on the balcony.

With Claude.

“Hey, Felix,” Claude greets, giving a little two finger salute in his direction.

“Why are you out here,” Felix scowls, not wanting to talk with Claude.

“Needed some air,” He shrugs. “Why are  _ you _ out here?

“Same…” Felix mumbles, turning his gaze to the starry sky.

“I do hope you talk to Sylvain. I know there’s a lot of regret there.”

“I do not want to have this conversation with  _ you _ .”

“Oh, I know,” Claude continues, turning to lean his back on the railing instead of looking over it. “But maybe you should know they’re as nervous as you are to talk about it.”

“Listen, maybe he didn’t feel like telling you the whole story, but  _ he _ cheated on  _ me _ .”

“They.”

“Excuse me?”

“Their pronouns are they/them. I know you haven’t taken a moment to ask, but yeah, that’s changed since you last saw them.”

Felix glares.

“Listen, you don’t have to forgive them, or hell, even like them. But you should still try your best not to misgender them.”

“When did he- they- come out?”

“Mm, I’d known them for about a year when they felt they could finally tell me.” Claude hums for a minute. “I’m not saying what they did to you was right. But I get where they were coming from. They were terrified-“

“They could have told me!”

“Could they have, Felix?” Claude’s full gaze is on him now. “They were getting the shit beaten out of them by their brother, their father was breathing down their neck, they were dealing with bipolar on their own, no therapy, no medication. All of this was happening as they tried to navigate feelings of attraction to men, their identity,  _ and _ high school. They were stupid, but who wasn’t?”

Claude rakes his hand through his hair. “They regretted it. But by the time they felt like they could actually talk to you about it all, three years had passed. They were still getting their law degree in Derdriu. They no longer had Daddy’s money to come back to Fhirdiad.”

“They couldn’t wait to see you, Felix. And you welcomed them with running away and a punch to the face.”

“I don’t  _ owe _ them anything for  _ them _ having cheated on  _ me _ . You don’t even know the whole story.”

“But I do,” Sylvain interrupts and Felix jumps.

Claude looks between the two of them, distrusting. Sylvain gives him a rueful smile and Claude sighs.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” He says, shaking his head. He touches Sylvain on the shoulder and gives them a meaningful glance before walking back inside.

—

They’re alone in some bushes. Felix is five and Sylvain is seven. Sylvain’s arm is in a cast from when he tripped and fell down the stairs. Felix doesn’t believe it.

“I’m fine! It’s fine,” Sylvain whispers, cooing quietly as Felix cries. Even though Felix knows that Sylvain is the one injured, he is the one being comforted.

“It’s not fine! You got hurt!” Felix whimpers, eyes still filled with tears.

“But I’m healing super well! The doctor said so! Six weeks or so and I’ll be out of this cast, no problem!”

Felix sniffles, “Promise me you’ll never get hurt again.”

Sylvain swallows, eyes so sad Felix feels a pang in his heart.

“I can’t promise that, Felix.”

Tears threaten to overtake him once more.

“The-then let me stay by your side! I’ll never leave you! I’ll keep you safe!”

“Felix, you know you can’t do that. What about Glenn and your dad? You have to go home eventually…”

“Come live with us!”

“Felix, I can’t…”

“Fine! Promise you’ll die with me then!”

And finally, Sylvain smiles.

“Alright, I can promise that, Felix.” Sylvain holds out their pinky finger; Felix hooks their pinky fingers together. “I promise we’ll die together.”

“Cross your heart!”

“Cross my heart.”

—

“Hey.”

Felix turns away, facing the city view off of the balcony. Sylvain comes up beside him.

“I’m sorry, Felix. I’ve worked really hard to be a better person than I was back then, but it doesn’t excuse how I hurt you. I’m sorry.”

He turns his head away.

“Why?” Felix asks, hushed.

Sylvain blows out a sigh. “Because I was scared. I had fallen in love with you but every night I went home to hear Dad talk about how our only purpose in life is to have children. To have Miklan call me a fag,” They swallow. “Before breaking my nose while my father did  _ nothing _ when it happened.”

“Well, he paid to have it corrected… twice,” Sylvain chuckles in some warped form of nostalgia. “But he didn’t stop it from happening the first time.”

“You should have just told me, Sylvain. I could have… I would have been there for you.”

They close their eyes, slumping their shoulders some. “I wanted to. But like I said, I was scared. I didn’t know if I was gay, I didn’t know if I was straight, I didn’t even know if I was a  _ man _ . I don’t even know now if I think I’m truly non-binary. I connect with my body most when I’m presenting feminine and I don’t know what that means.”

“It wasn’t your job to to fix me, ya know? I needed therapy and… well, I wasn’t where I needed to be back then.”

“And now… you’re with Claude,” Felix turns to face him. “So, you must have figured something out.”

Sylvain chuckles. “I mean, I’m as much his partner as he is to Lorenz, so I guess I do know one thing.”

“I’m poly.”

Felix shakes his head and looks away. “Of course you are.”

“Well, Demi and poly. It’s a bit complicated.”

“I’m sure.” Felix flicks an invisible piece of dust off the railing.

“Listen, Felix, I’d like at least the chance to be… acquaintances again, if not friends. I’ve only ever promised one person that I would die with them, and I don’t intend to make that promise to anyone else.” Sylvain smiles and Felix is glad he turned back to see; their beautiful in that moment. “I’ll see you around.”

And Sylvain vanishes back inside.

—

Felix goes through the rest of Sylvain’s facebook. 

The “I’m finally free!” picture exists because it marked when Sylvain was free of their father’s money. The contest had won all four of them scholarships and it meant that Sylvain could finally escape whatever pressures their father was still exerting over them.

The mood of the pictures changes dramatically. They aren’t drunk or high in every photo. There’s photos of them with nail polish, dresses, make-up. They take silly pictures with their friends, pretending to drink wine straight out of the bottle as Claude and Lorenz kiss.

Sylvain looks  _ alive _ .

They graduate law school with honors. Claude graduates with a poli-sci degree, Lorenz too. There’s pictures of them kissing, sure. But all Felix can see is just how happy Sylvain looks.

And the more he looks, the more he realizes that Sylvain is always wearing a dainty bracelet with a flower. A tiny baby’s breath in silver.

Felix recognized it.

—

It’s been a few years since they made their promise in the bushes. Felix is ten, Sylvain is twelve.

Sylvain has gotten hurt several more times and they always have some excuse.

Felix isn’t sure what is causing Sylvain harm, but the way Sylvain balks at Miklan implies something Felix doesn’t like.

However, they are once again outside in the bushes, near the forest's edge.

Sylvain convinced a schoolmate to give them lipstick. They laugh as they turn the red colored cream up and down. “It looks like a red penis.”

Felix doesn’t get the humor. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Sure it does! It, like, gets longer and then gets shorter, up, down, up, down,” Sylvain pumps the dial quicker.

“You’re gross.” 

Sylvain pats Felix on the head. “It’s okay, you’ll understand someday.”

“No, I won’t! I’m not gross and weird like you!”

Something flashes across Sylvain’s eyes, sad and dejected. “Okay, fine.”

There’s a small lapse of silence where Felix wonders if he has done something wrong, when Sylvain interrupts his thoughts.

“Hey, Felix! Why don’t I show you how to make a flower crown?”

“Why would I want to learn that?”

“Afraid you can’t make one as well as I can?”

A challenge always gets Felix.

“Let’s go. I’m going to make the best flower crown ever.”

Sylvain takes Felix by the hand and leads him over to Sylvain’s mother’s garden. Their mother passed away when Sylvain was quite young, so the plants were overgrown.

In front of some pretty baby’s breath blooms, Sylvain plops themself down. They grab a few stems and hand over the blossoms to Felix. Then they grab some for themself and delicately begin weaving.

Sylvain is a patient teacher, pausing to show Felix how to better his technique, how not to crush the blossoms as he works.

Sylvain’s still turns out prettier than his, but Sylvain only laughs at his pout.

“It looks great,” They say, plopping their crown on top of Felix’s head.

Felix begrudgingly returns the gesture. He isn’t sure he wants anyone to see his flower crown anymore.

“Want to hold my hand?” Sylvain offers and Felix nods once in agreement.

Together, they return to the Gautier house hand in hand.

Dimitri and Ingrid have arrived at some point and are running around the front yard. Dimitri gives a happily surprised sound at the appearance of the two, running up and hugging them, one at a time. Ingrid comes grinning up as well, hugging Felix and pinching Sylvain’s nose.

“I heard you got in trouble at school for stealing some girl’s makeup.”

“She gave it to me!” Sylvain immediately denies. 

“Sure she did. Why would a  _ girl _ give a  _ boy _ lipstick?” Ingrid rolls her eyes and the conversation moves away from the topic.

—

As Felix leaves the Gautier household that day, he wonders why Sylvain’s father’s hand falls so harshly onto Sylvain’s shoulder. 

—

Felix doesn’t sleep well. He hasn’t slept well in a few weeks, but this is worse.

He sighs and gets up to make some coffee.

He doesn’t owe Sylvain forgiveness. Though the history between them leaves Felix feeling strange about all of the pieces he has put together. It creates a sense of regret that he can’t quite dispel. But also...

He doesn’t think he  _ can _ forgive Sylvain. The betrayal ruined his outlook on relationships. Destroyed his faith in love in a way he has yet to recover from.

He doesn’t doubt that Sylvain is trying to be a better person. That Sylvain meant their apology and is taking steps to  _ be better _ . Claude doesn’t seem like the type that would put up with someone with no follow-through.

Felix sighs and settles down in front of the TV with his coffee. It’s going to be a long night.

—

Friday of the following week, Felix gets two texts.

  1. Hey Felix, it’s Sylvain. I got your phone number from Ingrid. I wanted to see if you’d like to hang out with Dimitri Ingrid and Thea on Saturday?



The second reads:

  1. Hey Felix, it’s Ashe! I got your phone number from Ingrid. Did we exchange numbers at the bar?? I can’t remember!! Anyway! I’m having a get together on Saturday and wanted to see if you’d like to come! No pressure!



Felix only replies to one.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave a comment :)


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